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Dating Again After Being Hurt

I got a great question from a reader recently I just had to share with you.

If you've ever felt hesitant, uncertain, fearful, or insecure about "dating" or getting into another relationship with a man who could very likely hurt you like you've never been hurt before, then you've got to read this email...

**Email Question From A Reader**

Hi Carol,

I have a frustration about dating that I'd like to voice. My problem is that I've faced so much rejection in the past that now when I meet someone nice, I don't even bother to express an interest in him because the thought of being rejected again is just too humiliating!

I agree that "love is a numbers game," I just wish I knew how to play the odds better. The more men you meet, the more likely it is you'll find the right person.

Isn't it that way with a lot of things in life? You persist until you find the right job, the right house, the right pair of shoes... so why is this so difficult to do when it comes to dating I wonder?

Thanks,

Beth

**My Response**

Your question is an excellent one, and one I write about in my ebook, "Love Is in the Stars."

You bring up many important points and I'll try to address them all in order of importance.

First and foremost, you must know why you want love. And you'd better have a very good, compelling reason that you can get seriously excited about.

In my experience, if you don't have a strong, deep, thrilling reason for wanting something, then as soon as it becomes even slightly difficult or challenging to attain, you'll lose heart and give up too easily.

This is true in any area of life - you have to have an incredible reason to follow through on your most cherished goals to be able to sustain the effort.

I call this, "Knowing your WHY."

I'll give you an example of what I mean, and one that commonly applies.

The average American carries almost $10,000 worth of credit card debt, and has nothing put away in savings.

Now, you know what you need to do to set aside more money and to not spend what you don't have - yet most of us fall into this problem.

Is it because you're stupid? Is it that you can't count? Is it that you can't read the details of your credit card statements?

No, it's that you don't have a big enough reason to change your habits - you can still pay your bills, you can still buy what you need, your credit rating isn't negatively impacted if you at least pay your minimum balances, so you can still even get a home loan.

Your debt isn't holding you back in an obvious, painful way on a day-to-day basis at all!

But what if you were to get a phone call from Brad Pitt saying, "If you pay off your credit cards within three months, I'll give you a starring role in my next movie. We'll be shooting for five months in Tahiti. How does TEN MILLION DOLLARS sound?...

AND oh yeah, you'll get to do a love scene with me."???

Do you think that would be motivating?

Do you think you could muster the strength to stop using your credit cards? Do you think you'd find a way to pay them off - hocking your jewelry, holding car washes and garage sales, doing whatever it took?

Me, too!!!

As this little story illustrates, your "WHY" is the reason you're working for something - it's the VISION you have that's so attractive and desirable to you that it makes every misstep, setback, and disappointment worth it.

Without a "WHY," you won't know why you're going for what you're going for, and you won't have an intense enough reason to keep going when the going gets tough.

So, I'll ask you - WHY do you want a relationship?

WHAT would your life be like if you had one not just any old relationship, but a GREAT one?

One that fed you on a spiritual, emotional, physical, heck - even FINANCIAL level?

What would that DO for your life?

And how could that lead to other spectacular stuff - extended family, children, a home, greater social networks, someone to take out the trash, etc...

If you don't figure this WHY out for yourself, then you'll be relying on DISCIPLINE alone to get what you want.

This doesn't work.

Simply telling yourself, "I have to do this... I have to WORK REALLY HARD" without knowing the BIG PAYOFF isn't enough to keep doing whatever it'll take to get you to your desired result.

You mentioned you have the stamina to achieve career, real-estate, and shopping goals to get what you want in life, but notice that it's harder in dating.

In DATING and romance it's PERSONAL.

The stakes are higher.

You're more VULNERABLE.

You think everything that happens, no matter how small, means something about YOU.

It's more devastating than if you don't get the job you want, or house you want, or - as you said, "the perfect pair of shoes."

It's easier to chalk that stuff up to fate, or to having a rare shoe size (or one that's so common that every pair in your size is gone when you get to the store...).

When you don't get the job or house you want it's easy to tell yourself, "I guess it just wasn't meant to be. The other people were supposed to get that house..."

As an astrologer, I have a unique point of view on relationships. I've come to believe that even who we meet and whom we feel a strong connection to - and WHEN - is up to fate.

It isn't personal - there are either "love connections" between your chart and that of someone else, or there aren't.

If you've gotten that miserable phone call from a man you've been seeing and he tells you it's over, saying, "I'm just not feeling it," then I PROMISE you there's an astrological reason to explain his feelings, or lack thereof.

I know what you're thinking - if there aren't "love connections" then how come YOU were feeling it?

These connections can go one way - you can feel chemistry and attraction with someone when they simply don't for you, and vice verse.

Which is why that happens so often.

And even if there are mutual, reciprocal "love connections," he's got that lovin' feeling for you and you've got it for him - that's not enough - it's critical that you be in a "love cycle" to have anyone you meet stick around for very long.

There are even lonely cycles we go through that I call "forty years in the desert," in which it's as though you're behind a big brick wall that no one can climb, and no matter how hard you try you don't get noticed or supported, (even by your friends and family), and you'll be left hurt and disappointed.

Even beauty queens who have spent most of their lives being wildly popular, come to see me in these "lonely cycles" utterly mystified, getting no attention of any importance. They feel rejected over and over, as well!

(They're so challenging and baffling that I've created a thirty-year, personalized report to let you know when they're happening in your life so you can plan for them and avoid MUCH of the pain and drama. It's called, "Cycles of Saturn - Charting The Ups and Downs of Your Life and How To Make the Most of Them" and you can learn more or order yours by clicking the link here)

What I'm trying to say, is that I'm POSITIVE that much of your disappointment has been based on the fact that you've been dating men who you weren't very astrologically connected to, and that it hasn't been your celestial "season of love."

Now, as far as 'humiliation' in the face of rejection goes... The only reason you'd feel humiliated is if you were taking the rejection personally, as though the lack of positive response you've had from the men you've dated means they're thinking:

"You're not enough. You're not okay. You're not special."

OUCH! But there's another way to take rejection.

If someone rejects you, maybe you're just not his type.

Maybe you're even TOO good for him - and he's not ready for THE REAL DEAL.

Maybe he has issues. Maybe it's something up with HIM and NOT YOU.

Quit thinking it's all about you.

Seriously, CUT THAT OUT.

There's a beautiful saying you may have heard before: REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION.

'Cause guess what you may not have considered? Maybe your dream partner is getting his life together so you're staying available for when he's ready.

Maybe the man you'll end up with is a thousand times BETTER for you than the losers that have rejected you.

Maybe there's a plan for you that hasn't finished unfolding yet.

Maybe everything you want is just around the corner...

Taking rejection personally and thinking it means something negative about you is what I call, "Making it up."

This is what so many of us do when life doesn't go our way. We "make up" the reason we didn't get what we wanted, focusing on all the things we perceive are wrong with us.

"It's because I'm too old... I'm too fat... his last girlfriend was blonde and I'm a brunette... I don't make enough money...

" I've had women "make it up" to me about things the rest of us would think were good things! Things like:

"It's because I'm too successful... I'm better looking than he's used to dating... I shouldn't have told him I own my home... Our chemistry was so HOT it scared him..."

These positive assumptions are every bit as damaging to your psyche as your NEGATIVE excuses.

Trying to BLAME the rejection you've faced on something about you, something good OR bad, is part of what's keeping you from enjoying dating.

Too much pressure is on YOU!

This is part of why you're not good at playing the "numbers game" of love. You're not treating the pursuit of love like a GAME at all.

It's become far more serious than that - so serious in fact, that it's practically life and death, full of "humiliation" and pain.

This weight that you feel, this incredible burden, is part of what you show up with on dates. And I PROMISE you your dates can feel it.

They feel the crushing weight of that baggage and it's making men turn on their heel and go in the opposite direction - QUICKLY.

If you continue to be rejected ('cause life is full of rejection for all of us!), don't MAKE UP a story for why it happened... and don't make it all about YOU!

TRUST that it wasn't meant to be and tell yourself one word: NEXT!

You're ONE BOZO CLOSER to your vision!

Now, if you're chronically single, you may have something else going on...

Over the years I've noticed patterns over and over in the charts of women who are single for years at a time.

These patterns cause these women to have predictable personality traits, fears, and tendencies that cause them to BE and STAY single - sometimes forever.

But with awareness, and understanding of what to do to heal and shift this stuff (their fears and tendencies) they can quickly and dramatically change their single status.

It's been so exciting to share this with women in my private practice that I've created a CD/DVD program and workbook about it all to help YOU know if this is what's going on with you, and how you may UNCONSCIOUSLY be setting yourself up to be single.

It's called, "Single Syndrome - The Five Astrological Archetypes of Single Women and How To Overcome Them."

You don't have to be a "victim" to your single fate. You can alter your destiny - you just have to know how.

"Single Syndrome" will tell you just that - and allow you to "diagnose" your own archetype, heal your heart, shift past fears, and then adapt the very best "real-world" strategies to meet and attract the right man for you.

To learn more or order your very own FREE TRIAL CD or DVD version - go here NOW.

So, to recap: Figure out your "WHY." Get so excited about what you want in your love life that you can't wait to get back in the game and you'll do whatever it takes to be a smashing success!

And take comfort - know that there are forces GREATER than you working in your personal life. If you're meeting with disappointment over and over, I assure you it has nothing to do with your worth as a woman or how lovable you are...

If you do face another rejection, DON'T make up what it means - all it means is that something better is going to happen!

Have a light hearted, blameless, shameless attitude about dating. Meeting potential partners should be FUN and FULL of possibility.

The more you approach it this way, the more FUN it will be, and the MORE all that possibility will come forward!

But best of all - the MORE ATTRACTIVE you'll be.

So get excited and get back in the game.

You can do it!

The only safe heart is an open heart...

I can't wait to hear how it goes.

To learn more about how the heavenly bodies above affect our love lives down here below, check out my eBook, "Love Is in the Stars".

There are things you can do RIGHT NOW to dramatically lower your chance of being rejected, and I'll share them all with you!

To learn all the details about my eBook and bonus book or to be reading them in just a few minutes, go here. And may God and His planets and stars shower you with love,

Carol Allen
Carol Allen

P.S. Women become too busy for love, or too shy to say hello or smile at men they don't know, when they've lost the faith that they can find and keep the love they want.

Heartbreak is a powerful, devastating thing, and it truly can take years to get over... and it's understandable that it would make you NOT want to risk going through those feelings again.

But if you had a way to protect yourself, and KNEW you could be okay no matter what happened - whether you got hurt some more or not - you'd be able to live a much fuller, richer life... and this would make you feel more alive, and that alive feeling in you would make you more attractive to others.

That's the irony here - turning inward and away from the world ensures the world will withdraw from us, too.

But healing your heart, and opening up, and sharing your light with others, makes the whole world come closer.

So heal the past - in "Single Syndrome" I share a shamanic technique to help you break your etheric attachment to men from the past that may be holding you back from love in your present... and I also include my favorite Sanskrit mantras to help you attract love... and I walk you through forgiveness exercises and processes to help you see the gift of all of your disappointments, and feel them in a whole new (happier) way.

See why I LOVED creating this program, and why women thank me all the time for it - and tell me they truly believe it's why they're happily in love now.

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